Why Am I Still Here?

It's 4:15 a.m. and I'm sitting on an air mattress. I've been sleeping on this air mattress for the last week now, and I was getting used to it until the heat decided to ravage the northeast. It's hot. I thought the south was hot. This heat is like nothing I've ever experienced. It was 99 today. I think it's 99 tomorrow. It's supposed to cool down later in the week. I'm looking forward to that.

I've been in New York a little over a week now. It's an enchanting city. There's lots of culture, art, etc.. If you've been here before, you know what I'm talking about. I think that's been my favorite part of New York. For the past two years I've sat at lunch and dinner tables with people I have absolutely nothing in common with. I have had nothing to talk to them about. We share no common interests. The conversation dies. Here, so far it's been a different story. I've met more actors, musicians, artists, than I have my whole life. It's great. It's like they all share this common bond, this common goal to pursue their craft in the self-proclaimed world's greatest city.

I can't really explain the experiences I've had here. I would try, but I'm sure I would fail miserably. It's been awesome and I'll leave it at that. I've been building this trip, this visit up in my head now for quite some time. I was sure that everything was going to work out, and I really believed that this was something I could do. But this was not that kind of trip. Basically, in a nutshell, shit just fell apart to be honest. See, if you know me you know that I'm attempting to move here. I want to live here. I want to live here? Anyways we found a place. It's a great apartment in a great location in a quaint Brooklyn neighborhood. I would go into the logistics of what exactly went wrong, but I'll spare you the details. I still had a choice, however, despite Murphy rearing his ugly head.

I decided that at this point in my life, the risk greatly outweighed the rewards. Plain and simple. And that's why I can't sleep. That and the fact there's no AC in my friend's apartment I'm staying in. I'm still thankful, nevertheless! I guess I'm a bit angry with myself for thinking so safe and boring. I just wasn't sure if this kind of life was what I wanted, and with a drastic life change such as this, I would need to be sure of it.

So now I'm looking to hop a flight outta this damn heat box back to Florida. And the tickets are just too pricey. I come back to Jax on Sunday. God damn where the hell do I go from here? I'm right back at square one.

What's done is done. It's time to move forward. I really feel like a chapter of my life has ended with the conclusion of this trip. It will be time for something new. Some people can and probably will say that I failed. That's true, I have. I set out to move here and I'm not. But it's a helluva lot better than not trying at all. It's somewhat of a moral victory if there is such a thing.